Short Stories: Weird Taxi Drivers

A few years ago in my last job in Birmingham, before I had a car handy, I would sometimes share a taxi with my colleague Warren instead of walking to the train station after work. On one occasion, I made the mistake of going ahead and getting into the taxi whilst my colleague finished locking up.

"Aaaah, you must be a friend of Warren!" Chirped the driver (who I shall call Mr. Taxi Man) as I closed the door after me.

"Yes- I work with him. He's just locking up, he'll be here in a bit."

"Riiiight, riiiiight," he drawled, "Good man, that Warren, good man. Do you have a boyfriend?"

What.

"Er- yes?" I replied warily, a bit thrown by the sudden direct question.

"Riiiight, riiiight, nice girl like you should have a boyfriend. Is he good-looking?"

I adopted my best poker face, sensing there'd be more personal questions to follow.

"I'd say so."

"And he looks after you, yes? A man should always look after his woman."

For some reason I bristled at this. "Well, yes, but we both look after each other, really."

"Such a nice pretty girl. What does he do for you?" Mr Taxi Man persisted.

Not liking where this was going, I decided not to hear and peered out of the window. "Oh look, Warren's just coming over- he heads off to Harborne, but if you could drop me off at the station first I'd be grateful."

"Where do you live?"

At this point Warren got in the car, saving me of having to give an evasive answer. Warren peered at the driver, a spark of recognition on his face, smiled politely and said to the driver "I see you've been talking to my friend here?"

And in the creepiest voice I've ever heard, Mr Taxi Man said:

"She's my friend too, now."

~Fin~

Afterword: I learned the next day, once Warren and I had stopped laughing about it and out of earshot of Mr Taxi Man, that Warren has had dealings with this driver before, and he's not really a creepy taxi driver in the sense that he's dangerous but always a bit, well, weird. I hope this is true, anyway. In any case, if ever I noticed him behind the wheel after that, I'd politely decline a lift and walk.

Also, if you're a fan of the BBC series the League of Gentleman, you'll appreciate why "She's my friend too, now" was both hilarious and terrifying at the same time. If not, watch this and skip to 2:40: You're My Wife Now...