In Which I Act Uncharacteristically Starry-Eyed

As my train pulled into Euston underground station, I stood up and made my way to the doors. The doors opened, and I found myself standing in the direct eye line of a rather good-looking guy. We stared each other for the longest two seconds ever, and quickly diverted our gazes, embarrassed. I dodged out of the way of the oncoming crowd of people who were waiting to board the train with this guy, whilst I hopped off. As I sidled past him, I stole one last glance, as if to make sure he really existed.

I caught him red-handed in his own second-glance at me, just before we were both buffeted apart by the tide of the crowd.

Utterly disorientated, I turned around, walked straight into a wall and then proceeded to walk in the wrong direction.

The train, of course, left (and a few minutes later I found myself on the wrong platform having come to from my daze).

The unusual thing about this story is that I never act like this. This has never happened to me before- even in my last long-term relationship (RIP) it took me almost a full year to fully realise that I had come to be in love my friend rather than just love him in the platonic sense. Sure I can admire good looks when I see them, but I never go ga-ga over it. I don't even this this guy was what you'd call classically handsome or beautiful, or even particularly striking. But something about this guy caught my attention a couple of nights ago, and apparently him too. I didn't even have anything on my face- I checked afterwards just to make sure.

Well, all else I can say this: even though I still don't really believe in true love at first sight, I think I'll be more lenient about the idea of attraction at first sight- and I'll carry on hoping that no-one saw me walk into that wall. Especially not that guy,

The Tsundere Drawback

'Tsundere (ツンデレ^?, pronounced [tsɯndeɽe]) is a Japanese character development process that describes a person who is initially cold and even hostile towards another person before gradually showing his or her warm side over time. The word is derived from the terms tsun tsun (ツンツン^?), meaning to turn away in disgust, and dere dere (デレデレ^?) meaning to become 'lovey dovey'.' - Wikipedia

Not necessarily in a romantic way, and not necessarily gradually warming up over time- it can come out in dribs and drabs, almost like a very mild and very annoying but possibly endearing personality disorder that only manifests itself around specific people, or a specific person.

You probably know a tsundere character, even if you don't watch anime. Helga from the cartoon Hey Arnold!, who acts downright abusive and cantankerous towards her secret crush; Sherlock Homes from the TV series Sherlock who needles his long-suffering friend John with smug superior sarcasm; even Grumpy from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, who's generally bad tempered about everything but has plenty of 'aww, so you do care!' moments.

My name is Tash, and I'm tsundere.

So is it as cute and funny in real life as it is in popular culture?

No.

Real life doesn't happen like that. Being tsundere is in fact very, very inconvenient, and in more than one way.

There's the first, obvious way: people (okay, guys in particular) that I take a liking to make my brain go weird. I go from being easy to talk to, fun, friendly and intelligent to not being able to make eye contact, aloof, even prickly. At best I'll be giving the silent treatment- not because I'm bored of someone, but because my brain inexplicably draws a complete blank- and at worst I'll come off as polite but frosty. Again, not because I want to be, but because my whole system goes into default defence mode.

It takes a long time for me to properly warm up to guys, even just as friends. I'm naturally guarded. Hell, it took me a whole year to fall for my now-ex (who was a close friend for a long time before we started a relationship, and who subsequently got bored of me after three years of  being in a relationship). But once I eventually warm up, I'm the most loyal and caring person ever. See? Tsundere. Of course, however, this doesn't go down very well as a first impression.

Which leads me to the second downside. Making an effort to be warm from the outset in social situations that make me uncomfortable actually makes me come across as unnatural or just plain weird. Here was my internal monologue today (I was in a queue in one of my favourite geeky shops, and there was a guy with a pretty awesome Nintendo bag in the queue next to me):

'Wow, that's a cool bag. Maybe I should compliment him on it? Uh-oh, he spotted me looking, abort, abort! No, I should make eye contact. Don't forget to smile! Yay, he smiled back! You should look away now. I said look away! TOO MUCH EYE CONTACT!! Great, now he looks weirded out and is looking in the other direction. Way to go, dumbass.'

So training myself to be warm to everyone equally isn't going so well. Which brings me to the third and final downside.

Being friendly to guys and male friends who I'm not romantically interested in and them getting the wrong idea.

Before you cry 'bitch!' let me explain: I don't flirt, I don't tease, I just smile, listen, chat- you know, all of the normal friendly things- because I don't feel like I'm in an awkward situation. Unfortunately, it seems like merely being kind is a sort of green light to guys. I can count four guys in the past singular year who have taken my natural non-tsundere nature as a 'green light'- three of which I only met once! One is a little more unfortunate because he has been a friend for a few years and it's horrible to have to hurt his feelings, but what all four have (or had) in common is that fact that they don't seem to take 'no' for an answer.

'I don't see you in that way' seems to morph in their minds into 'I don't see you in that way yet.'

'I'm not interested in a relationship' becomes 'I'm not interested unless you change yourself.'

'You're like my brother' becomes 'If you show me a different side of you maybe I'll feel differently.'

No, no and no. And yes, as ball-crushingly soulless as it might seem, I have tried the 'brother' line in sheer desperation.

Tell them to their faces in cold, callous terms (or in some cases again)? Well the problem is, none of them have actually told me in plain terms to my face what their agenda is, and have therefore not given me the opportunity of doing so without making a fool of myself and them denying everything (despite two mutual friends clue-ing me up on two separate situations, which reassures me that it's not all in my head). Instead they (well, three out of four now that one seems to have finally given up) text endlessly, or message endlessly on social media.

Of course this can only end with hurt feelings. I've been on the other end myself, so I truly empathise (although I was much better at the whole giving up thing...) My empathy and sympathy won't help me or these guys- who really don't deserve this- though.

What do you mean, 'stop being so picky?' Isn't it even worse to humour someone when your heart's just not in it? Life isn't about taking anything and everything you can get at the expense of others- at least, it isn't to me.

So what should I do? Set my tsundere side as a default and freeze out everyone without discrimination at first? Stop being nice to my male friends and become a total biatch towards them (except for the friends who are already spoken for- funnily enough and thankfully I don't have this problem with them)? Try to be equally warm and friendly to everyone?

Probably the latter, I suppose. Easier said then done though: you saw the awkward-salad that was my non-encounter in the shop today.

I'll try to be more open with everyone, then. But only because I want to!! Got it? [/tsundere]

Worst Attempted Pick-Up Ever

After Siu Yen's birthday meal and the live comedy show after, we all headed down to a bar for cocktails. As we descended the stairs into the bar, some random guy caught up with me and walks beside me on the stairs.

"They say walking down the stairs by someone's side is bad luck, did you know?" He shouted over the din of the music and crowd.

"Huh?" I turned around as I walked on, at first not entirely sure that this question was directed at me.

"Yeah," he said seriously, "But I reckon tonight it's pretty lucky for me!"

I blinked, and laughed while quirking a single eyebrow.

"Really?" I couldn't hide the ironic disbelief in my voice. The poor guy fell back as my group carried onwards.

B+ for effort.

Eternal Weirdo Magnet

Have I ever told you about the guy who called himself 'Ace'?

In my first year and a half of university I worked part time as a silver service waitress (you might think that this would be a potentially disastrous job for someone with such an artful knack of knocking things over but I was actually pretty decent at it). I got to work at some cool events, like at Twickenham rugby stadium during a big England-vs-Somebody match, the Cheltenham races and the like- I can't remember everything I went to, this being seven odd years ago. Neither can I remember particularly enjoying the events because when you work in catering you're so rushed off your feet you can only concentrate on your job and nothing else.

One particular event that still stands out in my mind though was when I served in a box at the Tottenham Hotspur football grounds. I barely noticed the match because I was so busy looking after the family in the box (no big loss though, I don't even like football), I only vaguely took note of the slightly rude nature of the family (again no big deal- you get a lot of that when you're a waitress, silver service or not), but I did notice this one guy following me around- a fellow waiter.

I'll never know why he fixed his scarily determined sights on me. At first I thought it was just a coincidence that he went into the kitchens and came out at the exact same time as me, every time. I continued to think this right up until the second half of the match, when 'my family' had settled down and I went to stand outside- and he was there, waiting for me, having apparently followed me all the way to my box.

I can't for the life of me remember how the conversation began, but it was only a few pleasantries into the conversation until we introduced ourselves. This was how he introduced himself:

"You can call me Ace."

Not 'My name is Ace'. Not even 'My name's ___ but my friends call me Ace'. Just 'You can call me Ace.'

A few more pleasantries, and suddenly it became Speed Dating 101. The creepy version. Here are a few questions that he literally rattled off in quick succession at me that I can remember:

"How old are you?" (I'm not even kidding you, this was his very first question).

"Are you from around here?"

"Where do you live?"

"What are you doing tonight?"

"What's your number?"

I considered giving him a fake number, until he told me he'd ring it then and there so my phone would have his number on record- so if I'd given him a fake one, he'd know right away as we both stood there.

Touché, 'Ace', touché.

He was also really tall, and really broad. Just slightly on the intimidating side. So when he said he'd come find me after our shifts to chat more, and I said thanks for the offer but I needed to get home quick, and he said not to worry and he'd be there to meet me in a flash, and I said firmly that I'd be going straight home, and he said he insisted and would be there waiting for me, I got a little nervous.

I made sure I'd cleaned up in record-fast time, and was eternally grateful that 'my family' hadn't made a mess of the box so there wasn't much for me to do, so I was able to dash out before 'Ace' got to my box. Once I was out, I checked my phone, marked his number as 'DO NOT PICK UP' (because if I'd merely deleted it I'd forget it was him and pick up if he ever called), had a laugh with my friends about it and promptly forgot about it.

A few months later I was in my student house with my two housemates and a friend (in fact one housemate and the friend were Lucia and Peter who got married recently), I got a call from the catering agency. Or so I thought.

"Hello, Natasha? This is Ace! How are you?"

"..."

After a pause that lasted for what seemed like forever, I hung up. At first I panicked and thought he'd contacted me through the agency- but the most likely situation is that my phone, an ancient Sony Ericsson, had switched the numbers. It had erased names from my phone while leaving the numbers behind before, so it's possible. In any case, I never heard from him again after that.

It's funny if you've read my blog up until this post, because you'll know that my luck with these sorts of encounters has not changed in the past seven years.

~Fin~

More Potential Unwanted Attention: Part 3

In which my colleagues finally catch a glimpse of the guy they've teasingly dubbed my 'stalker'.

Today, our team had just driven back from a long out-of-office morning meeting and were ravenous for lunch, so we stopped off by the shops- the same one where this guy works, but I was too hungry to really think about that. Besides, I had been out plenty of times since the last run-in (in the company of a colleague or two, of course), and seen no sign of him.

It was reasonably busy in the shop so the all of the tills were being manned, but most people like me just had one or two things and it was going quickly. As the queue moved along I chatted to my colleagues and read the nutritional value of my carrot sticks and hummus, and eventually I made my way to the next available cashier.

I plopped my lunch on the counter, still daydreaming.

"A very light lunch today, I see!"

"Yes, I-" I started at the familiar voice, and blinked upwards and out of my reverie, feeling myself going into manic friendly mode. "Oh- hello! How are you?"

"I'm good thanks! Yourself?"

"Oh, same old, same old," I laughed uncertainly.

"How's your work going at the moment?"

I glanced behind me like a panicked bunny rabbit looking for a way out of a fox's path, and I saw my opportunity.

"It's going well- look, I know you're busy and there's a queue building up- I don't want to get you into trouble! I'll see you around, alright?"

"Sure, see you later!"

I hurriedly bustled towards the exit, catching up with one of my colleagues. I caught her gaze, wiggling my eyebrows jerked my head wildly in His direction, indicating that this was the guy I'd been talking about. She raised her eyebrows in return as if to ask 'who, him?' I nodded, and she grinned.

One by one my other colleagues (who were behind me in the queue) caught up with my by the exit, and it was apparent that they'd clocked what was going on, and were very amused.

"That was him, wasn't it! At first I thought you were just randomly being really friendly to someone you'd never met before, but then I remembered about him."

"I'm so sorry Tash, I should have offered to pay for your thing so you could escape, but by the time I realised who he was it was too late."

"Only you could wait in a long queue and end up being served by the one person you want to avoid, Tash."

"I heard your excuse- nicely done!"

"Did you see how he craned around afterwards to check if you were really leaving or not?"

We were outside and I was cracking up by now. "At least you all know for real I haven't made this guy up, now! I just hope he didn't see us convening like a coven and whispering and cackling, or he might get the wrong end of the stick and think I'm interested after all..."

One rolled her eyes in mock-despair. "Of course Tash, now that he knows we work with you he might start asking us about you- so now we can't go to these shops, either!"

It's a shame, because the food in that shop is really good.

To be continued?

Serious Business: A Quarter of a Century Old

((I was about to apologise for the more serious tone of this entry- but who am I kidding, I regret nothing!))

This weekend (Saturday to be exact), I turned 25 years old.

On Friday I travelled to Birmingham, the place of my studies, to stay the weekend at my very good friend's house. Lucia's birthday is always a day after mine, and since we were both turning 25 on the Saturday and Sunday one after another, we decided to celebrate this milestone by throwing a Halloween-themed murder mystery dinner party. We spent Friday preparing the base for the cake (check out this entry on my other blog for pics), decorating the dining area in preparation for a spooky game and three-course dinner, and chilling in general.

Lucia and I spent a bit of time joking about turning 25 and how so many people had been teasing us about becoming 'a quarter of a century old', and how overly dramatic it sounded. Lucia, Peter (Lucia's husband and also another uni friend of mine) and I were drinking tea, eating chocolate and generally chilling out late into the evening, when I glanced at the clock.

It was 23:50.

And suddenly, out of nowhere, I got a tremendous sense of Do Not Want.

Nearly twenty-five years of memories flickered through my mind like someone fast-forwarding a tape, and stopped as suddenly as it came on. I inwardly assessed myself as part of my social network rather than just as an individual, which is so much easier because you're only figuring yourself in the equation. Almost all of my friends and certainly my closest ones are married or attached and discussing marriage or Attached (with a capital A to portray the fact that although marriage isn't on the cards, they'll spend their lives together). Some are mentioning the prospect of children in the now increasingly near future. Hell, it even only took my dear old ex at very most three weeks after jumping our three-year relation-ship ((see what I did there?)) to find the love of his life (evident by the perhaps slightly shameless profile pictures on a certain popular social media site he published before I blocked his arse), which was a fair while ago now (long enough, thankfully, to only feel a twinge of annoyance about the whole thing- although it annoys me further that I still feel a little annoyed, which is inherently annoying).

Where was I now, though? In a stable (I hope) and decent job, but still living with my parents and in my soon-to-be (now current) mid-twenties, steadily but far too painfully slowly saving up for my own place, contentedly unattached- but watching those closest to me beginning to show signs of moving in the realm of having Their Own Life, and even Starting Families.

I suddenly realised what's been eating away at me for a while now: a time is coming when I'm going to be facing a lot of stuff on my own. I'm an only child and my parents, although in largely good health, aren't getting any younger, and whilst my friends will always be there for me and vice versa they will be getting on with their own lives, and dynamics will shift very drastically with children in the mix (which, don't get me wrong, I don't consider a bad thing at all- in fact, I'm quite looking forward to being Auntie Tash and I hope I turn out to be a really fun aunt). But what the fun things we have been doing in our youth and what were going to do on Saturday night- dressing up in ridiculous and cool costumes, painting out faces, drinking bright green appletinis and basically acting our shoe sizes- is soon going to become a thing of the past.

And because I'm contentedly unattached but at the root of things, when I think about it, slow to develop affection towards people even on a friendship-type level, there is every chance that I'll become fun and slightly wacky Auntie Tash who bakes a lot of cake and lives with a load of cats.

(('That's not true!' I hear my friends cry, 'You'll find someone very special to you one day.'))

I snapped out of it- this whole train of thought blinked past in about thirty seconds anyway- and mentioned my determination to do the best I could in life and get the most out of it, even if I never did find my partner in crime in life. Sure enough, my loyal friends told me not to worry, that I'd find Him eventually. I think my friends really do believe that, even if I'm genuinely quite a bit less convinced. We chatted and joked some more.

At the back of my mind I worried though, and I thought: 'Is that all that's important to me? Not being alone? Am I that cowardly?'

I glanced up at the clock again. 00:25. Saturday morning.

"I believe it's my birthday, now," I announced.

I felt the weird, slightly unfamiliar feeling of certainty flood through me.

'No.' I silently answered my own question as my friends and I decided if I should open my card and present now, or after sleeping. I'm not afraid of being alone- at least, not in the grand scheme of things. Yes, it's more than a little scary on a selfish level to see those closest to me levelling up in the game that is Life whilst I feel like I'm floundering far behind everyone else in the starting zone. Yes, the responsibility and duty of being an only child is quite scary, too. And yes, to be completely transparent, it is a tad lonely to not have that special someone who totally gets you to share your life with- I'm a human being, not a honey badger ((for some reason, the honey badger was the first solitary animal I could think of... don't ask, I don't know)). But rather than believing myself to be behind everyone, I began to realise in that instant that I'm not seeing everyone ahead of me- I'm just seeing everyone off to the side.

I'm on a different path- not lagging behind on a singular one. And I don't even want that many cats, anyway.

I suddenly felt a lot better.

The next day we ate chocolate for breakfast, had friends round and dressed up in ridiculous and cool costumes, we painted our faces, we drank appletinis and we ate a stupid amount of cake. I laughed so hard I nearly displaced my kidneys in my corseted Morticia outfit. There is Stuff that is going to be heading my way soon enough, a big chunk of that Stuff I can't even begin to try and predict- but for now, I'll just enjoy being young. After all, I'm still only in my mid-twenties.

~Fin~

More Potential Unwanted Attention: Part 2

About that face transplant...

I ventured out earlier than usual today, hoping I could sneak to the Other Shops (the ones where this guy doesn't work). As I turned into the road that leads to the Other Shops I breathed a mental sigh of relief, as I thought I was in the clear.

No such luck, however.

"Hey, Natasha!"

Oh, hell.

"Oh... he- heeeeey!" I grinned, automatically going into super-friendly mode and hating myself for it.

He increased his pace to catch up with me- he seemed to be walking up the path away from the Other Shops, so I jokingly asked him why he was visiting them when he worked at His Shops (which are actually better).

"Haha, yeah, my friends there thought it was weird too. Anyway, are you walking down there? I was just going- we could walk together!"

No. You were clearly just coming back from them.

"Sure, why not?"

Damn.

So we walked and chatted whilst I wracked my brain to find some way to shake him off. Nothing I did seemed to work.

"So, how has your day been today?" He asked.

"Oh, it's been okay. I've spent most of the day writing product copy for hats."

"Oh wow, really? That's cool."

I mentally facepalmed at his almost exaggerated enthusiasm- surely writing about hats doesn't sound that thrilling? I tried again.

"So how come you're off to the (Other Shops)?"

"I just wanted to get some vitamins. Like cod liver oil. Would you be interested in that? You probably are, it's pretty useful for women isn't it, to stay flexible."

What.

"Er yeah haha, good for the joints or something." I tried, bravely.

This continued for a bit- I even found an opportunity to hint at how nerdy I am to try and put him off, and enthusiastically told him the story of how saccharin was invented.

"Oh wow really? That's really interesting!"

We entered the Other Shops around this point.

"By the way Natasha, I couldn't manage to find you on Facebook- you do spell it the normal way, don't you?"

Damn.

"Oh- yes. You know it's funny, people have told me I'm not easy to find on Facebook before." (True). "Why don't you give me your last name and I could look you up?"

"Good idea!"

I was, in the end, saved by my cluttered Mary Poppins/ TARDIS technology bag, as I couldn't find a pen or paper, and the guy said he'd try again and see if he could find my name on the company's Facebook page. Which is unlikely, as I haven't posted there before.

"We could browse around the shops together- what are you looking for today?"

Oh, hell no.

 "Er, you know what, I'm sort of funny about doing my shopping with people," (panic mode engaged, lame excuse activated) "and I should be getting back to work soon anyway. But I'm sure I'll see you around soon!"

"Alright, I'll see you around!"

I spent the remaining half hour of my lunch break dodging him and looking over my shoulder until I saw him go- which was quite a good amount of time. Apparently it takes half an hour to buy one small container of cod liver oil.

One thing's for sure though, it's given me enough time to confirm (to my relief) that it's not about trust issues; I'm just genuinely not interested.

However, that doesn't dig me out of the muddy pit of Awkward Situation I'm now in.

To be continued?

More Potential Unwanted Attention

Today I have decided that either I need a new job in another location, or possibly a face transplant. Or I just have to go out at lunchtime with other colleagues, or don some sort of disguise. Here's why.

One day I was walking down the street from work at lunch time when I walked past this guy going in the opposite direction, and sort of noticed in my peripheral vision that he had sort of stopped and was dithering a bit. Feeling sort of nervous (because I was about to stop by the cash machine) but knowing I was just being a bit paranoid, I squared up a bit and made myself alert, but carried on with what I was doing.

He'd vanished when I'd got to the cash machine, at which point I relaxed a bit- but as soon as I was done and walking away from the cash machine, he appeared out of nowhere and approached me. I needn't have worried though as he turned out to be nice enough (and probably hung back on purpose when I went to the cash machine so I wouldn't freak out too much, now that I think about it).

"Sorry to bother you, but do you work at the head offices up the road?" He asked. I blinked, and mentally kicked myself into friendly social mode, smiling.

"Yes that's right, at _____. Why d'you ask?"

"Oh, I have a friend that works there, I wonder if you know him?"

And so we got talking. It turns out he lives locally and actually works at one of the shops I sometimes go to at lunch time, and I've been bumping into him on the street or in those shops since.

I'm no egotist- in fact I still have a little bit of 'ex fat girl' syndrome, where I can't believe anyone would look twice at me. On the other hand, no-one approaches a stranger in the street just like that without having an ulterior motive (harmless or no), so I made sure I remained politely friendly and pleasant but not overly so during our encounters.

Recently though I've not been going out as much as I've had a lot to get through, so I've been staying in to work at lunch. Today I allowed myself a trip out to stretch my legs, and I bumped into him again- so we chatted for a bit. After a little while he paused and suddenly said, all confidence,

"I don't want to keep you, you're obviously really busy, but you know I wouldn't mind giving you my number if you wanted. I'd like to talk to you more often."

My brain broke a bit. Between my trying hard not to get in this situation in the first place, being asked out just a little while back by someone else and being pretty sure the usual request is to have the girl's number rather than offering it- although maybe the other way round is actually better, I was inwardly flummoxed. Thankfully outwardly I didn't show any of my inner turmoil.

My brain scrambled into action, learning from the last time to be respectful but to the point.

"You know, I'd really like that, as friends. Just so you know and so I'm not messing you about or anything, I'm not really interested in being in a relationship right now."

He nodded earnestly. "Sure, as friends."

And then, meaning to further solidify my stance, I put my foot in it.

"Yeah, I'm sort of recently out of a relationship..."

His face lit up a bit. "Really?"

DAMMIT! Crush his hopes and dreams Tash, crush them now!

"Er, anyway, look me up on Facebook, I'm on it as unhealthily regularly as everyone," I flustered.

As he cheerily waved me on my way, I got halfway down the road before I- I'm invisible on Facebook. The poor guy's going to think I gave him a dud name or something.

And that is why I'm going to have to change jobs or get a face transplant.

~Fin~

Afterword: That's the second time I've rebuffed someone in the last two months. I may need to take a good look at myself and find out if it really is because I'm too busy enjoying the single life (which I know at least is definitely partially true), or if I've developed a few trust issues from the last relationshipbomb. Oh dear.

To be continued?

A Missed Opportunity/ A Confidence Boost

Have you ever had the feeling that you might have been able to connect with someone, but you only realise when the chance has passed you by?

I was on the tube this evening on my way home from a day out in Camden Town and King's Cross with Anna, a friend who I haven't seen face-to-face in something like four years (which is unbelieveable and disgraceful and I promise I won't let it happen again) when I noticed a guy snoozing to my opposite right in the carriage. I smiled to myself- he was quite good-looking in my books, and I found the hunched, dishevelled way he was snoozing in (the same form most travellers take when they fall asleep on the tube, in fact), sweet. Not being one to be a Miss Stare-y Stare-ason though (and remembering one creepy incident on the train once when a lady watched me doze very intently for seemingly the entire journey), I turned my attention to the various posters in the carriage.

A few stops later, with my internal monologue asking when it's the appropriate time to wake someone up in case they miss their stop even if you don't know what their stop is (and I'll admit with my curiosity getting the better of me), I looked back at Mr Sleepy*.

He was wide awake and staring right at me.

I looked away quickly, trying not to laugh- it's always awkward when you catch someone's eye on public transport, because this is London and you're supposed to avoid any interaction with your fellow commuter at all costs. All the same though I acknowledge that this is quite a tragic social state to be in, and I find it quite entertaining. I quickly put it out of my mind.

A little down the line though I got the heebie-jeebie feeling out of the corner of my eyes that I was being watched again. I quite firmly chose to ignore it; it's really easy to get into a glance-towards-glance-away match with someone on public transport, where one person wonders why the other is staring at them, whilst the other is thinking the exact same thing.

I forgot about it for a bit, but happened to look in Mr Sleepy's direction again (this time by accident- I promise). He was looking in my direction again, but quickly diverted his gaze as mine crossed his.

What was it this time? Did I have something in my teeth? Fluff in my hair? Had I smeared something on my face but not realised it or had my eyeliner melted halfway down my face in the humidity? (All of these have happened to me on the tube before, of course). I surreptitiouly flicked my phone out to check my reflection on the blank screen (because I didn't want to appear vain and actually get my compact mirror out). Nope, nothing. What was this guy's problem?

A bit later on in the journey after a bit more ignoring I cautiously, suspiciously looked around in his direction again, to find him almost pointedly staring at the door to the next carriage, away from me. Good, I thought, now I can continue my personal journey in peace.

Finally Mr Sleepy's stop came and it was time for him to step off. Instead of just getting up and exiting the door right next to him though, he crossed the carriage to go through the doors just past me. I didn't think much of it as he did- I do stupid things like that all the time- but I avoided looking up because I was feeling a little bit embarrassed by now (like a real Londoner, rather than the social semi-freak that I am).

As the doors closed behind him I allowed myself to look up one last time at Mr Sleepy- who I still conceded was good-looking- and found him watching me right back as he headed up the stairs and my train pulled away.

The penny dropped. Oh. Damn. If only I'd just smiled.

At least I can add this to the growing list of incidents involving the Y chromosome (since my ex knocking the confidence-stuffing out of me four times over, that is) that assure me that I'm not an utter troll. And to Mr Sleepy- in the unlikely event that you're reading this- I was the girl on the Northern Line to Edgware in the Totoro T-shirt with the long brown hair. Sorry I didn't twig- I'm smiling now to make up for it.

~Fin~

*Sometimes to pass the time I temporarily name my fellow passengers- the guy next to Mr Sleepy was Brighteyes because he had really striking eyes, the girl next to him Wondergirl Assassin because she was stunning, had really sleek black hair and looked like she could be a glamorous assassin, and the guy next to me was Mr I-Got-No-Strings because he'd fallen asleep in a completely slumped position also popular with train snoozers, like a puppet with all the strings cut.

Romantically Challenged: Rejector and Rejectee in One Day

I swear, this sort of crazy stuff can only happen to me. This happened only a few days ago.

I've been on jury service for a couple of weeks now (my last day this coming Monday, in fact), and I got asked out by a guy I'd been talking to for while that I'd been sort of hoping that he wouldn't (I liked him well enough, but not in that way, and was dreading having to hurt his feelings). It was difficult trying to be friendly but not too friendly since I'd loathe to be one of these girls that just leads people on. Anyway I felt a bit cruddy because he's a nice guy overall and I admired his courage to ask, and I know well enough the sting of rejection myself- but it'd be crueller to say yes when you already know you have no intention of anything going further, I think.

In any case, this guy's courage gave me the courage to ask after another guy who'd caught my eye, working in a chocolate shop in London a few days earlier (I know I know, I sound terrible- I'm not what this sounds like, honest!) If the guy at court had the guts to ask me, I thought, then I shouldn't let myself down by being a wimp and I should go and ask after chocolate shop guy. Although going around fancying random people I've only seen once before and then asking after them right away isn't something I'm used to, it wouldn't have been the first time I'd expressed my interest in someone to their faces (it was only one time, and I ended up with them for three years, so it was worth something at least!) So that's where I went when court was adjourned that day.

A bit of background: I had gone to this chocolate shop with one of my best friends the day before and noticed this guy when he brought out some samples for us to try. I mortified myself by trying to open conversation by asking him 'so... are you much of a chocolate guy then?' (What a question to ask someone who works in a chocolate shop...) I decided I liked him even more when he didn't poke fun at me for that.

To continue the story, I met up with my friend/ partner in crime in town first (who happened to be visiting from Birmingham for a few days and who's sharp eyes had noticed my interest in this guy when we'd visited the shop together the day before), along with another of her friends she was meeting up with, and they came with me for moral support. I was a little glad that the guy wasn't actually there so I could just ask one of his colleagues, but I was about to be even more glad of his absence.

After walking around looking at chocolate and plucking up as much courage as possible, and telling myself I wouldn't be struck down dead on the spot for asking, I finally went to the counter and asked, bashfully, if she knew the tall guy with blue eyes who was working there the other day, because I thought I quite liked the look of him (or something silly like that- I was having a hard enough time getting the words out from sheer embarrassment to focus on what I was actually saying). The lady grinned playfully.

'Aah,' she said, 'are we on the pull, then?'

I think I must have gone beetroot red by then and laughed near hysterically whilst saying something like, 'I guess, when you put it that way, I sort of am!?' It had never really occurred to me to think about it like that, and although I'm no pure shrinking violet and and pretty much unshockable, all I knew was I was hoping to get to know someone better (through talking!!) and was suddenly getting a concept that I hadn't bargained for. I think it was mainly the extreme sheepishness I was feeling about the whole thing that made me less than my usual eloquent self.

'Let's see...' The lady went into the little staff room thing and looked up who I might have been talking about on the staff rota. She came back and sighed, smiling sympathetically.

'He's got a girlfriend.'

Bugger.

We chatted a little and and I did buy some stuff (cocoa nibs for making truffles- expect a recipe to go up on my other blog Tashcakes! soon). I told the lady how glad I was he wasn't there in the end to endure this awful embarrassing moment- because I quite like that chocolate shop, and I'd like to visit it again without dreading if he'd be there or not.

'Well I'll let you know if he ever becomes available', the lady laughed. 'And don't worry!' She winked at me. 'I won't tell him!'

Of course she will, it's bloody hilarious- I don't mind though, I would too if I were her! At least he probably won't rememeber me, so I can continue to buy chocolate there in peace.

And that's the story of how I got asked out and declined the offer, and a few hours later got indirectly shot down upon plucking up the courage to ask after someone else.

Romantically challenged!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Read out this entry for another story about that same chocolate shop.